


Black Book

by Tears_Scars_and_Heartstrings



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mild Blood, Minor Violence, Nightmares, No Romance, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Weirdmageddon, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 08:27:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22493041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tears_Scars_and_Heartstrings/pseuds/Tears_Scars_and_Heartstrings
Summary: After leaving behind Gravity Falls and the events of Weirdmageddon, Dipper Pines is finding high school to a challenging but satisfying new chapter in his life.Mabel Pines however has been acting strange. Not herself at all. She's gone awful quiet lately. But as Dipper pushes himself to do better in school, how long with it take him to notice how far he's pushed his hurting sister away? What will a small, unmarked black book reveal to Dipper? And will he be too late to change anything?(Trigger warning: mentions of violence, blood, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. Edited to remove most of the previously featured triggering content because I'm an idiot for posting something so dark.)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 39





	Black Book

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for reading my fic. I've felt the need to edit it some, I felt like maybe I went too dark during a certain part so I heavily edited that part. I feel super crappy for having written that in the first place now but eh I was emotional. There is still some potential triggering content in this story but I edited the main bulk of it out. I'd love to hear your thoughts at the end. Thanks for your time.

"...and that's why my Great Uncle Ford is my role model and why my goal for this year is to study hard and become just like him," Dipper read from his paper in front of the class. Everyone politely applauded and his teacher gave him a thumbs up. When Dipper sat back down he felt a sense of pride at how this year was starting out. He was gonna make this his best one yet!

At the end of school Dipper found his twin at her locker, his of course was right next to hers.

"Hey Mabel," he cheerfully greeted her.

"Heya Dipper. First week of high school already wrapped up. Weird huh?" She asked.

"Yeah it did come and go pretty quickly. But I kinda like that. Makes me feel like maybe it's a sign the rest of the year won't be so bad," he said.

"That's not how Wendy describes it..." Mabel said. Dipper felt his face start to get warm.

" _Geez still?"_ He internally criticized himself. Hoping his sister wouldn't notice, he quickly changed the subject.  
"I forgot to ask but who did you do your paper on for Mrs. Nesbit's Role Model' assignment?"

"Oh! Only the greatest star of our generation! Stella Gideon! Pop singer by day, powerful business woman by night! I wanna be just like her! Beautiful and stylish, talented, loved by the world, rich and famous, but also intelligent and able to strike fear into the hearts of men!" Mabel exclaimed, stars practically beaming in her eyes.

"Awesome choice. Although, I think you do that already. Mostly that last one," Dipper said. Mabel laughed

"Totally! Now who did you pick?" She asked.

"Grunkle Ford."

"Aw I should have guessed that you nerd," Mabel lightly teased.

Dipper chuckled as he grabbed his bag and started walking with his sister towards the school exit.

"Bummer we don't have any classes together this semester. That sure is a first. Well...Except math," said Dipper. Mabel made a disgusted face.

"School just started and I'm already sick of math," she groaned. Dipper shrugged.

"Basic algebra, not too difficult. Besides we can always ring up the Grunkles for help need be." This time Mabel only shrugged. She developed a very concerned look on her face and shook for a moment before speaking.

"Hey Dipper, you know...speaking of the Grunkles and well, Gravity Falls as a whole...um can I talk to you about-"

"Hey Dipper!" Mabel was cut off by another student.

"Deacon!" Dipper gave his friend a fist bump.

"Are you still coming over?"

"Yeah, totally! Just gotta grab my stuff from home first," Dipper replied.

"Awesome man, I'll walk with you and then we can walk over to my place afterwards."

"Sounds like a plan!" Dipper exclaimed before turning back to Mabel. "Hey sorry what did you want to talk about?"

"Oh uh nothing important right now. You just go have fun with Deacon," she smiled at him and also to Deacon with a small wave. Dipper nodded and accepted that everything was fine.

"Alright, see you later Mabel. We're gonna run home really quickly so we can get this weekend started!" Dipper cheered with Deacon, running off and leaving Mabel all alone. 

He spent days in his room buried in his textbooks and assignments. Mom and Dad had surprised the twins with new separate bedrooms when they got back to California. They were right next door to each other now instead of in the same bedroom as they had been all their lives. He had to admit it was kind of nice having his own space. It made it a lot easier to focus on his studies.

The days turned into weeks and into months as the first year of higher school was flying by for Dipper Pines. He was taking his education very seriously. In the mornings, he scarfed down his breakfast and ran out the door to get to school early. Then he'd always run home to get a start on his homework or he'd stay after and read the library books. Even on weekends Dipper was often buried in books and papers more than he was with his family.

It was alright though, frankly his parents often weren't home until the late evenings anyway. On the weekends they tried to have some family time but oftentimes his parents were trying to catch up on household things that weren't getting done on the weekdays. Mabel tried to step up and help more often by trying to cook dinner for the family and do more of the cleaning herself. The effort was appreciated but there was still so much to do every week. It seemed like the Pines family went weeks without seeing each other.

Dipper found though that he really didn't mind it. It actually made him feel very grown up. He took the initiative on studying hard and when he did his laundry and showered. If nothing was prepared for dinner, he fended for himself. And on the few occasions he did take a break to spend time with his friends, his parents almost always let him go out. It felt like he was practically already grown. He felt proud of himself.

"I really am wise beyond my years, aren't I? I mean how many other 13 year olds are doing this well?" He asked his reflection one evening after grabbing his basket of dry clean clothes. As he walked back through the living room, he saw Mabel sitting by herself at the kitchen table. It looked like she was drawing or maybe writing something. She looked so sad and Dipper wondered why that was. Maybe she needed to get out of the house.

"Hey Mabel...how come you aren't spending time with your friends? You're always home. At least when I see you, you are."

Mabel didn't look up at him.

"I uh....I don't really have any friends anymore."

"What? You? Not have any friends? No way. You're great at social things."

"Yeah well no one appreciates me anymore. No one wants to be seen with me. My...former "friends" are too cool for me now..." She said bitterly. Dipper's face fell. He had no idea about any of this. Mabel looked up at him. "Hey...do you wanna like watch a movie or something with me?"

"I'm sorry, I can't. I gotta get back to my algebra homework after I fold these clothes. Later, okay? I promise," he said to her. She nodded, looking down and sad. Guilt took a smack at his heart but he had to prioritize. Time with his sister was a casualty of his quest for knowledge. "See you later," he added and went to his room. He didn't hear her bitterly whisper " _Always promise. Never keep."_

Dipper continued to work hard on his education. Just like Grunkle Ford. He was incredibly intelligent and had great grades. Just like Grunkle Ford. And everyone sure took notice that he had a bright future ahead of him. Just like Grunkle Ford. He really meant it when he said he wanted to be just like him. Sure he said no to the internship but Ford assured him it was still open to him in the future, when he was ready. So in the meantime he worked as hard as he could. He wanted to make everyone proud of him but especially Ford. He'd tackle the internship, then he'd go out into the world and make his own discoveries that would earn him global recognition. And when the day came that he passed, the world would mourn the loss of him and forever carry his legacy; Dipper Pine, brilliant mind, incredible treasure hunter, genius monster hunter, master of anomalies, the conquerer of the unknown. He couldn't wait to be there.

As Dipper pushed himself and worked into the dark hours of the early morning, he never noticed the soft crying that came from next door during those dark hours.

As his mind constantly buzzed with knowledge from homework and extra credit assignments, he never noticed how uncharacteristically quiet Mabel had become.

As Dipper's eyes were red and dry from intense staring and reading for hours, he never noticed how Mabel's eyes were the same way. 

And when Dipper did actually go out with friends and take a break from working he didn't even notice how excluded his sister was.

It was mid- December and the winter break was coming up at the end of the week. Many students were chattering excitedly about the holidays. Even Dipper was honestly looking forward to the break although he still agreed to do every extra credit assignment offered. He stood at his locker one morning, chatting with a friend named Elijah.

"I've pretty much got everything done that's due Friday except a few math papers," Elijah said adjusting his red cap.

"Yeah I've got most of it all too, I just need to finish editing my rough draft for Mrs. Nesbit's assignment on what we want for the holidays," Dipper said.

"Oh nice. Yeah it's an easy assignment at least. 3 paragraphs about how I want to go visit my family in New York and an A+ for me. What are you writing about?"

"Only 3 paragraphs? I wrote 3 pages on how I want to get the top grades in our class and to go study with my great uncle Ford and become a famous explorerer," Dipper beamed.

"Yeah yeah we know. Overachiever," teased Elijah. Dipper laughed along when he became aware of a presence beside him. He looked over and it was Mabel of course. "Hey Mabel, good morning," he greeted her.

"No it's not," Mabel groaned. She looked tired. Dipper looked at her as she struggled to get her locker open and realized this was probably the first time he looked at her for longer than just a quick glance in months. She had deep purple bags under her eyes, maybe even worse than his. Her eyes were dry and red, exaggerated further by the black eyeliner she was wearing. She had cracked and chipped black nail polish on her fingers and a black headband instead of her usual fuscia colored one. Since when did she wear black? He thought black wasn't even in her vocabulary or at least her closest since it was so...not Mabel. Even her sweater was a very dark purple that almost looked black. It had no fun design on it either. A sinking feeling hit his stomach. Something wasn't right. Guilt took another hit at his heart. He still hasn't been keeping his promises to spend time with her.

Dipper opened his mouth to speak just as the first bell rang. He sighed, losing his train of thought. "I'll see you later Mabel," he said softly. She only nodded in return. He walked into his first class, his mind drifting to today's assignment on the board and already leaving his concerns about his sister behind.

On Friday, their last day of school before the school went on break, they got their report cards for the semester. Dipper couldn't wait to read his as his teacher walked around passing out the envelopes. He tore open the white envelope with excitement and quietly read his grades. He had to bite his tongue to keep from crying out with joy! A+ in all subjects! Most of his teachers included a note for his parents. They were all fairly similar. "Mason is an intelligent and well behaved joy to have in class. He's doing lots of extra credit and clearly studies hard. A bright future awaits him!" 

He couldn't wait to call Grunkle Ford!

When the bell rang for lunch, Dipper let his excitement out in the hallway. He whooped and pumped his arms a few times. He saw Mabel standing at her locker already and he about jumped for joy the whole way over.

"Mabel! Guess what!? I got all A pluses in every subject!" He cried. Mabel smiled. "That's great."

"Great!? Oh no, this is more than great! If I can keep this up I'll have a GPA higher than a 4.0 by the time we graduate!" He exclaimed loudly. Mabel only nodded.

"Uh I'm not feeling too great I'm just gonna uh go to the uh restroom," Mabel said as she quickly walked away. Dipper felt confused and oddly hurt by her unenthusiastic response. He watched her quickly shuffle away, she dropped a paper but didn't seem to notice. He called after her but she kept walking and disappeared into the ladies room. Since she didn't notice, Dipper scooped up the paper and saw it was her semester report card. For a moment he felt he shouldn't read it but he did anyway. Her grades actually were still pretty good, mostly A's and B's minus one C in Math. It was the teacher's notes that filled him with a weird sense of dread though. A lot of them showed concern for Mabel  
"Mabel is a good student but lately she seems off her game lately...Mabel appears to be distracted in class...Mabel did not do as well this quarter, she's been falling asleep in class...Mabel seems distracted, her face is always sad, if her worries can be relieved I believe her grades will go back up..."

The comments from her art teacher in particular sent weird chills up his spine. "Mabel is a great and creative artist. Her art has taken a very dark turn this quarter compared to last. A lot of dark colors and dark expressions. Some disturbing imagery continuously appears in her work. While I encourage all forms of artistic creativity, I am worried about her and hope maybe over the break Mabel can be given some help."

Falling asleep in class? Distracted? Sad? Disturbing imagery?

"Sis... what's going on with you?" Dipper asked out loud.

"Hey Dipper! There you are!" A voice down the hall called.

"Deacon! Hey was uh just grabbing my lunch," he replied quickly walking towards his locker to grab his bag. Deacon followed behind him.

"Any plans for the break?" Deacon asked.

"Uhhh nothing really other than doing extra credit assignments and celebrating Christmas. My parents usually have to work longer hours this time of year. Might just be Mabel and I at home most of the time."

"Ah, yeah I get that. Well, we'll definitely have to hang out at some point," which got Deacon an enthusiastic nod from Dipper. "Speaking of Mabel, did you hear what she did in history class today?"

Dipper closed his locker door. "No?"

Deacon spoke as he began to walk with Dipper following beside him. "Well she fell asleep in class, that's been happening a lot lately. Anyway, Mr. Smith didn't notice and none of us tried to wake her cause, well, same. But anyway man, she must have been having a nightmare or something cause she started screaming and crying and when Sam tried to wake her, she almost stabbed him with a pen!"

Dipper's jaw dropped. "Whoa! What? No way! Mabel? My sister? You sure?"

Deacon nodded. "They made her go to the nurse I guess but it took a while to calm her down. It's like she didn't even know where she was, man. She kept screaming to 'let everyone go' or something apparently and how everything was her fault. She wouldn't stop crying...It was a little scary honestly. You have any idea what any of that's about, man?"

"Honestly...no...but I'm now I'm pretty worried. I haven't seen her much since school started actually. I almost don't recognize her these days," Dipper confessed. "She's wearing dark colors. She's always tired looking. Even at home I don't see her like I used to. And I feel really guilty about it but I need to concentrate on my work."

Deacon shrugged. "I know from my sisters that the hormones that they get can make 'em feel not all that well sometimes but I don't think any of my sisters had anything like that happen."

"No I don't think this is some girl issue either," Dipper agreed. "I'll be more free over the break. I'm gonna have to spend some time with her like we used to. And see what's going on."

They got to their usual table with their small group of friends. Dipper couldn't get his mind of what he heard. He felt pain in his gut. Something was definitely wrong and he needed to figure it out. Guilt started to eat away at him, making him lose his appetite. But when the bell rang to return to class, Dipper's worries once again faded away.

Finally winter break was here! All the students had ran out of school as quickly as possible after the final bell rang, including the twins. For the first time in what felt like, and probably was, too long, Dipper and Mabel walked home together. They talked a bit about Christmas. Dipper was hoping they could try to have an actual video call with their Grunkles. Mabel pointed out maybe Grenda and Candy could join in the call too so they could say hi. Or maybe even Wendy, which made Dipper blush a little. Thankfully though Mabel didn't tease him about still liking her.

The only thing about the break the twins weren't looking forward to was having to deal with another babysitter. Dipper was right about their parents still having to go do that whole unfortunate thing of working for at least 8 hours thing. They'd get Christmas and the weekends off at least but frankly the twins were over being babysat. They would have the weekend together but come Monday, their parents would be back at work, yuck.

Their first weekend of break together was nice. The Pines played some charades together and they even called the Grunkles on the phone, making arrangements to try to have a video call on Christmas while the two uncles took a brief break back in Gravity Falls for the holidays. Both Dipper and Mabel had big genuine smiles for the first time in far too long. On Monday, Dipper and Mabel were eating breakfast when their parents made a surprise announcement

"So even though we still have to work while you kids are on winter break we decided...well...since you two are teenagers now, we don't need to hire a babysitter anymore. You two can be home alone while we're at work!"

The twins cheered!

"Now now kids, we still need to set some ground rules. For starters don't leave this house unless you have both of our permission," their dad said.

"And on the flip side, do not bring anyone over here unless we say it's okay," their mom added.

"And we know it's your break from school but please for the love of Pete do not destroy the house when we're gone. We'd like the house to still be standing and at least not too dirty when we get home, got it?"

"Got it!" The twins agreed.

"Alright, we gotta run. Good talk everyone. Bye now! See you after work!" Their parents said as the exited the front door.

"Byyyyye!"

Dipper watched from the window as his parents drove away while Mabel was still sitting on the couch.

"Wow! I can't believe they're actually trusting us enough to leave us home alone! No more babysitters yeah! We really are teens!" Dipper cheered. Mabel laughed at her brother.

"Hey uh...you wanna play a game?" Mabel asked.

"Oh uh sorry Mabel I'm actually gonna get a head start on all my extra credit assignments so I can just get them done with," Dipper said with a bit of pride in himself for doing the extra work. He notice Mabel's face fell. "Hey, we got all break okay? I'll get my work done and then we'll play tons of games and spend time together, just like we use to...okay? I promise."

Mabel gave him a weak smile. "Okay."

This went on for more than a week. On the weekdays, their parents went to work. Dipper stayed in his room doing his extra credit. (" _Man they weren't kidding when they said this would be some tough work!" Dipper thought._ ) Mabel would knock on his door and would ask him to spend time with her and he would always say later, he promised. It was always later, he promised. Late in the evening their parents would arrive back. They would ask the twins what they did and the answers were always the same.

"Worked on my extra credit."

"Not much."

On Saturday and Sunday they spent time together and did activities like playing some board games and watching the spin off of Ducktective; "Ducktective in New York."

After dinner on Sunday night, Dipper was pulled aside by his dad.

"Heya Mason, how goes the work?"

"It's great! I feel like I got a good glimpse of what we'll be doing next year. It's been harder than I expected at first but I think I got the hang of it now. It's challenging but rewarding. I'm finally almost done."

His dad smiled widely. "That's awesome son. I'm so glad you're taking school so seriously and that you're working so hard."

"Thanks Dad," Dipper beamed. His dad's smile fell though and he looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking again.

"Hey uh...can I ask you something?"

"Of course Dad. What's up?"

"Is there something going on with Mabel?"

The question took Dipper by surprise. "Um...no? Nothing I'm aware of at least."

His dad sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"Son, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"I value how hard you're working on school but...your mom and I are worried about Mabel. We keep trying to talk to her and she just just insists everything is fine but.. oh come on. Surely you've noticed it too. She just doesn't seem like...well...Mabel. I mean look at her clothes for starters! I didn't think she even owned anything black! But uh that's besides the point."

Dipper nodded in agreement. He had a sudden guilty feeling for still never actually checking in on her like the incident on the last day of school. Or keeping his promises. Or even seeing her much at all.

"We know something's going on, especially after your mom and I got a call from the school nurse...But she isn't telling us anything. She keeps insisting everything is fine and that nothing is wrong. Clearly that's not true but she just won't tell us. I just thought...maybe she'd be willing to to open up to you. And your mom and I feel really bad for not being able to give the both of you more quality time. So just...maybe once you're done with your work, try to give her some time and see if you can get her to open up a little more?" He sighed heavily.  
"I know that's not very fair to ask of you and I'm sorry to ask it. And I'm not asking you to tell me what she says if she does open up to you. We just...we just don't know what to do for her at this point. But we don't want Mabel to be alone with whatever is weighing on her."

"Hey, dad, it's okay," Dipper smiled. "I get it. And I... I'm not sure but I've noticed it too. And I feel guilty for not spending much time with her this year. I promise I will when I complete my work."

His dad gave him another smile. "Thanks son."

The next morning began the same as last week, parents leave, Dipper work, and Mabel was up to whatever she was doing. The hours ticked by and Dipper swore he was almost done. Every problem had to be answered perfectly, he was almost there. Finally in the evening he put his horribly chewed up pencil down. His wrist hurt and his eyes felt so dry but he felt victorious. He did it! He completed all these extra assignments! He threw his hands up in celebration and then immediately grabbed his wrist in pain.

"Ah gosh darn it. Ow. Ahh. Okay... thank goodness though. Finally done!" He flopped himself onto his bed and closed his eyes.

"Finally, I can actually relax for the rest of the break now..." His mind went to his conversation with his dad last night. His eyes flew open. "Mabel's gonna be so happy now that I'm done with work. I owe her."

He knocked on her bedroom door.  
"Hey sis, I finally finished my work! I owe you some time, I'm ready to own up to it." He got no response. His eyes narrowed, weird. He knocked again. "Mabel?" Hmm...He took a quick look in the living room, bathroom, kitchen, and even the garage for her. She wasn't to be found. He pounded on her door this time. "  
Hey! Are you there?" Still no response. Dipper felt a sudden chill. Something wasn't right. He took a breath and decided he dared to go into her room without permission. Slowly he turned the knob and called out "uhh Mabel I'm coming in here now." When he opened the door all the way he was stunned by the way her room looked. Her room was a mess. It was as if the walls themselves threw up. Every poster, photograph, and card was on the floor and most of them looked shredded. Clothes were in heaps like anthills on the floor. Her many stuffed animals shoved under the bed or the dressers, as if she couldn't handle their eyes being on her. He spotted a torn paper stuck to his shoe. When he picked it up he saw it was a piece from her favorite poster. It had been a gift from their mom. It had glittery white font on a purple background that read "Never Let Anyone Dull Your Sparkle!" The ripped piece in his hand read "Dull" in the glittery font. It made his heart take a painful pump.

"Mabel what... happened?" He asked aloud. Her bed was the only thing in the room that looked normal. That was when he noticed there was a paper with his name on it on her pillow. He walked up and grabbed it, reading it aloud.

"Dipper, I'm leaving. I can't take this anymore. Don't follow me. Mabel."

Dipper's body began to shake. What?! What does this mean? Can't take what? Leaving! Where?! Dipper looked around her room in a panic. Her backpack and jacket were missing! When did she leave!? Where could she have gone?! No! This couldn't be happening! He began to hyperventilate, his mind getting overwhelmed with what do to do. He began to pace trying to calm himself and figure out what to do. "Come on come on come on!" He shouted angrily at himself for not knowing the answer. Dipper felt something strange beneath his foot and realized he stepped on a book. He didn't recognize this one, plain and black. His fingers acted on their own, opening the book.

He recognized Mabel's handwriting right away but it was messier than usual. Tear stains caused little smears and odd crinkles across the pages.  
"I am a bad person. This pain is my punishment. I can't sleep. I can't think. I feel like I'm being haunted. It's my fault though. I've been bad," He read the writings aloud. He couldn't believe what he was reading? Mabel, his Mabel, talking like this? How could this be? And how could he miss it? Instinctively he kept reading the book.

She had a tally marker page titled "Every time Dipper breaks a promise." There was over 50 tallies scratched into the page.

Across multiple pages she drew the demon Bill Cypher over and over again. She wrote in various spots among the images of the creature

"GET HIM AWAY FROM ME"  
"HE'S AFTER ME"  
"HE HAUNTS ME"  
"TAUNTS ME"  
"THANKS ME"  
"I COULDN'T HAVE DONE WITHOUT YOU MABEL PINES  
"THIS IS ALL YOUR DOING"  
"HE LAUGHS AT ME"  
"CHASES ME"  
"HE TELLS ME I'LL NEVER ESCAPE"  
"HE PROMISES HE WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME"  
"EXORCISE ME"  
"CLEANSE ME"  
"KILL ME"  
"JUST GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME"

He flipped through more disturbing poems, entries, and drawings, all of them painful to read. She wrote about how her friends told her she was childish and embarrassing to be around, how they didn't want to be her friend anymore. She wrote about crying in the middle of the night, wishing she was loud enough for someone to come in and ask her what was wrong but at the same time how she forcibly made herself stay quiet so no one would know. She writes more about her dreams, Bill is always there in some manner. She does terrible things to herself over and over again in the pages. She writes about having to lie to the nurse about why she had such a panic attack in class. She bares her soul of how angry and hurt she is that Dipper will one day leave her and never return. About the many times mom and dad have confronted her but she doesn't dare tell them the truth. The shame it would bring them!

_"Can you imagine? Some parents get to say my daughter is good at sports. Some parents get to say my daughter is smart. My parents get to say our daughter is such a selfish brat she nearly destroyed the world!"_

She drew herself self harming. She apologized endlessly to the world for cursing them all with her badness. Page after page Mabel expressed her rage and her sorrow, her guilt and her shame, her desire to die, her desire to free everyone of her.

On the last page there was one final drawing. Mabel, out in space as a giant figure, standing over a burning planet earth with the eyes, yellow and cold, of Bill Cypher.  
"You did this...I did this."

Dipper slammed the book and threw it on the ground. He even stamped on it like as if it was a venomous spider he had to kill.  
"No! No no no no no no no!!!" He shouted as he hit the drawing book.

A sob escaped his throat and he noticed he was shaking badly. Everything he just read shook him to his core. His mind was trying so hard to deny everything he just read. There's no way Mabel wrote all that! This is all just a dream! A nightmare! He'll wake up and Mabel will be home safe, her usual happy self. A tight pinch on his arm though forced him to face that this was really happening. It made him feel like he couldn't breathe. Intrusive thoughts pushed themselves into his minds eye. He couldn't stop seeing the images of Mabel with her arms slashed open. Hanging from the ceiling. Sinking in the sea. Buried alive in a deep, unmarked grave. His stomach twisted tightly. He let out a pained yell and tears fell. His mind raced.

"It's cold out. Mom and dad weren't going to be back for a few hours. You weren't there for her. He needs to call them. The sun already started to go down. Maybe Mabel called their Grunkles. You weren't there for her. It's cold out. She might already be gone. Before it's too late. Maybe they knew where she was going. It's January. He needs to call them. It's cold out. He had to find her He needs to call the police. You weren't there for her. Before it's too late. She might already be gone. Call her friends. You weren't there for her. Before it's too late. Call the school councilor. She might already be gone. Before it's too late. Before it's too late. Before it's too late. Before it's too late. You weren't there for her."

No! No one had the answers! Fighting to see through his tears, he threw his coat on. He didn't stop to think about what he was doing. He also grabbed his bag and even threw Mabel's drawing book in it. There was no real plans here except go out and find her. He had to do it, there was no time or any other choice. He threw open the front door. The afternoon air felt colder than usual even for January. A light fog hung low to the ground dampening the mood even further.

"Mabel! Mabel! Maaaaabel!" Dipper called running down the streets.  
"Excuse me, pardon me, I'm sorry....I'm looking for a girl, my sister...excuse me, pardon me... Mabel!" Dipper continuously called as he ran through the town.

The cold air felt piercing to his lungs. His already dry eyes were stinging even further from the cold air. He started to feel angry.

"How was I supposed to just know something was wrong?! We transitioned into high school right away. I was busy and distracted. She knows knowledge is important to me, of course I can't be there 24/7 for her but surely she still knew...I thought it was just stress from school. Or maybe she just was missing Gravity Falls. Or her friends. Maybe it was just teen girl hormones. Who knows?! She could get upset at some of the dumbest, immature things sometimes! She should have just told me! If she wanted help, she would have come to me! She knows she can trust me! It's her fault for not telling me something was wrong!"

But his reasoning mind forced him to think about everything she wrote about being unable to ask for help and how she feels she deserves this. How scared and alone she feels and how she doesn't want to burden anyone anymore.

"No...no Mabel you don't deserve to this. I know now you feel guilty and responsible but you still don't deserve this..." He said softly out loud. "Not to mention at this point I'm just making excuses. I can't be there all the time no but I still should have noticed sooner. I should have checked on you more..." He sighed.

Finally after searching for more than an hour, Dipper found someone who was sure they had seen Mabel, they pointed him in the direction of the beach.

His legs were tired and his lungs burned harder than they ever have before but still he trudged onward to the beach. In the direction of Mabel. He had to keep going and bring her home safely. He was going to apologize so much that he'd forget any other words exist. He was going to do a million favors. All her homework. Let her beat him up. Somehow find a way to take her pain away from her and carry it himself! Oh gosh didn't matter what it took! He just had to find her! Find her and bring her home safe...

"Mabel!" He shouted as arrived on the beach. The fog was heavier. His body was tired. But he knew. She was here somewhere.

"Mabel! Please! Where are you?" Tears formed in his eyes again.  
"Mabel I'm sorry! I haven't been there for you! I let you down and I'm sorry! Please just come home! I'll do whatever it takes!" He sobbed into the mist. Slowly he wondered further into the gray. The air got colder. The fog seemed to get thicker and Dipper was lost in it. He wasn't sure which way he was going now. He kept moving forward although he really wasn't sure if it even was forward anymore. He trembled from the cold and from the intrusive thoughts that worked their way back into the front of his mind. What if he's too late when he finds her!? He's lost without her!

Sure as twins they were wildly different but they needed each other! If he could make a ridiculous analogy, he was firmly planted like a tree and she was as free as a shooting star. They found strength in each other. They picked each other up when they fell. The tree caught the star from falling too close to the earth and pushed it back into the sky. The star helped upright the tree when it began to fall, pulling it up with a rainbow lasso. And he felt so close to collapsing right now.

"Maaaaaabel!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, dropping to his knees. He gasped for breath. His heart pounded painfully. His closed eyes still saw her violent drawings against herself. His body shook but this time from his sorrow. He couldn't be too late, there was no other option!

"I really am like Grunkle Ford," Dipper said, ashamed of himself and burying his face into his hands. "I got too wrapped up in my own future and my own goals...I didn't make room for you. I've been too blind to how I hurt you and how much you were hurting....oh Mabel please I'm so sorry," Dipper sobbed softly.

And for a moment he stayed there.

And then another.

And another.

The cry of the wind hurt his ears, nipping his skin as it went by. But among the shrill whistle on the wind, he heard another sound. Something still high pitched but softer. He steadied himself and listened closely. It sounded like crying!

"Mabel! I'm coming!" He shouted as he jumped to his feet. He ran blindly into the fog, desperately following the faint sound. Stumbling on his feet to keep moving, he started to see a dark figure in the mist. He called out but the figure did not move. He pushed himself to run faster and as the figure grew closer he called again.

"Maaaabel! Ahhhh!" Dipper cried as he tripped over his own two feet and face planted into the sand.

"Dipper? W-what are you doing here?" A tired sounding voice reached his ears. Oh thank everything!!! Dipper pushed himself out of the sand to his knees and looked up. Could it be!? was his mind just aying a cruel trick on him? Still adorned in that dark purple sweater with makeup running down her face from crying...no truly and thankfully...She was here! Alive! Right in front of him!

"Mabel!" He cried again and tackle hugged her. She let out a cry in shock as he knocked her on her back into the sand. He cried as he hugged her.

" _Mason!_ I said don't follow me!" She shouted angrily as she tried to push her brother away. Dipper clung to her sweater, desperately holding himself close to her. "Let go of me! Go _home_ Mason!"

"No! Mabel please stop! Don't go! I'm so sorry! I know what's going on, please don't do this! I need you!"

Mabel stopped pushing him. Her red, dry eyes suddenly looked glossy again. "What did you just say?" She softly asked. Dipper sighed and let go of her. He stood up and offered her his hand. She looked at it with suspicion and stood up on her own. Wearily, Dipper sat down on a log beside them and Mabel sat down too. The awkward silence was as thick as the fog for a long moment. So many things Dipper wanted to say including the things he had already said just not to her, he suddenly couldn't think of the right thing at all.

"Why did you follow me? I told you to not to..." Mabel's annoyed voice broke the ice finally. Dipper was taken back by this for a moment.

"Mabel...I had to. You're my sister."

"That didn't help this whole semester. I've barely seen you! You run off to class before I can even see you! You leave for school without me and stay later than me! You're always in your room doing school work or off with friends without me! You keep leaving me!" Mabel shouted. Tears welled up in her eyes and she covered her face.

"You promised we'd stick together and not even one year into high school, we're falling apart like Grunkle Ford and Grunkle Stan! You've been promising all last week, all this semester even that we'd spend time together, always promising tomorrow but it's never tomorrow because you're working! You never keep any promise! I'm literally falling apart in the middle of the night and you don't even hear me crying! I've been wearing all these dark colors for weeks and you don't even notice! You don't notice when I'm sad cause you're studying so much! You spend time with your other friends and forget that you're leaving me behind! If you love me so much you would have known sooner that I'm falling apart!" She wailed heavily into her hands now.

Dipper hung his head. No excuses. She was right. Staring at his feet, he finally spoke. "You're right Mabel. I did promise those things. I haven't been keeping those promises. And it's true I have been so deep in my textbooks that I haven't noticed that you haven't been yourself."

Mabel bit her lip and tried to steady her breathing to listen to what he was saying.

"It's just... it's part of growing up," he continued. "I want good grades for my future so I'm putting a lot of time into my studies. But...I didn't mean to ignore you completely. I didn't mean to break so many promises. I just... assumed everything was fine I guess. Didn't make anything a priority other than studying...and to be honest I'm probably still going to have to be like that sometimes in school. But I..." He reached over and grabbed her hand. "I promise, and I really do mean it this time, I won't be unreachable in the future okay? I'm still your brother. I still wanna be there for you no matter what. I'll figure out how to balance my work and time with you better. I'll figure out somehow how to be there for you more often like I ought to be."

Mabel was looking down now. She lightly squeezed his hand in return but said nothing.

For a long moment he wondered if he did something wrong again. She pulled her hand away from his. He wondered what she was thinking. _Probably how she couldn't trust him to keep this promise either_.

"I'm sorry ," she finally said. "I'm really sorry Dipper. I really am. I...I know school is so important to you. You're so smart...you deserve every opportunity you can get. I don't mean to be in your way of your education... I'm sorry for getting mad at you. I'm just being selfish again." She hid her face in her hands again.

"Selfish. There's that word again." Dipper's mind went to the book in her room again. "Why do you think you're being selfish?" He asked.

"I keep getting in your way with what I want Dipper...like with Grunkle Ford's apprenticeship... It's not fair to you. You deserve to get those good grades and prestigious opportunities and to be who you want to be. But I...I just...just can't make myself stop feeling like this. I can't stomach being left behind by you. I'm scared to lose you. But I'm holding you back. It's selfish," she sighed.

"It's not selfish of you to not want to lose me...but if it helps I accept your apology," Dipper said. That made her flash a weak smile.

It was another long moment before she spoke.

"I'm just.... I'm having such a hard time right now. I feel so lost and alone...I'm taking your whole being a good student thing too hard and personally. But I'm blaming you for that instead of acknowledging that the problem is me...that I'm jealous of you and scared of losing you, the one person who I feel I can trust no matter what. The one person I need right now..."

"When did you get so insightful?" He joked. She glared at him and he held up his hands. _Yeah, wrong thing to say._

"That's another reason why I'm selfish...looking to blame everyone else for my negative feelings... expecting everyone to save me..." She hugged her knees and hid her face.

As she stayed quiet, Dipper slowly pulled the black drawing book from his bag and held it in his lap without a word. He let the silence be as he thought about everything she said. He hadn't expected such insight from her over her feelings honestly. It really surprised him but it also made him smile a little. He gave himself so much credit for being mature and all but this was one area he had to give her credit in maturity for. But even so, he still didn't feel he could fault her too much for being upset.

"I still love you Mabel. You're my best friend even when I'm bad at showing it. You've literally been there for me since the beginning. And again I'm really sorry I haven't supported you lately. And I want to fix that..." His voice trailed off unsure of how to say what he wanted to say. Mabel lifted her head and saw the black drawing book in his lap. Her face fell harder but she didn't say a word. She dug her feet down into the sand.

"Can I ask what's really going on?" He asked softly. She glanced at the book again and continued to toy with the sand at her feet, not looking at him.

"I'm assuming you read it?"

"Yeah," he admitted.

She nodded. "Didn't realize I left that behind," she said softly, more to herself than him.

"Are you....are you self harming? Or are you going to try to... to..." Dipper choked on his words, unable to finish his sentence.

She closed her eyes tightly but her tears still slipped out.

"I - no.....yes? No..." She shook her head in frustration. Wordlessly she grabbed her bag and handed it to Dipper without looking at him. Slightly confused he took it and looked inside. Inside he found a long switchblade, several packets of sleep medication, a lighter, a long rope, and a small notepad with a pen.

"Oh Mabel," Dipper said softly. She began to cry again.

"I'm sorry Dipper, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." She reached her arms for him and he locked his arms around her too. All composure was abandoned as she wailed into his chest. He held her tightly, tears falling down his face too. He never wanted to let her go again. Never ever.

"Oh Mabel I'm so sorry you've felt so alone..." He said softly in her ear. Her cries continued for some time longer until she began to finally slow, her breathing a little calmer. With a heavy sigh she pulled herself slowly from his hold. The red was back in her eyes, deep red that made Dipper think of blood and he shuddered.

"I didn't exactly plan to do anything today," her voice broke his thoughts. "I've just had that backpack like that for some time...you know in case I decided... today's the day."

Holding the bag still, Dipper said "I'm not gonna let that day come Mabel. Ever. I'm taking this and trashing it."

"I know...thank you."

"Is there... anything else we need to add to this trash bag?"

"No... that's everything harmful."

"Are you telling me the truth?"

She met his eyes. "Yes."

He nodded. "Okay... I'm just making sure."

"I know," she said. Her eyes went to the book. It had dropped into the sand when she hugged him. Trembling she grabbed it and lightly brushed it off.

"Mabel...the stuff in there... it's really graphic...and you keep talking about umm. About hurting yourself. A-are you? Hurting yourself?"

Mabel shook her head no and rolled up her sweater sleeves and the legs of her pants as high as they could go. No cuts on her skin. Sure she had a few odd scars here and there from life but nothing fresh. Nothing that was from self harm. Dipper sighed in relief. She rolled them back down.

"I'm not self harming...but I... I've been wanting to. I have for a long time. I've been thinking that if I did, it'd make the bad things about me go away. Like draining an infected wound. And in school I uh...um...to try to cope...I started making some very dark art in art class. I kept drawing myself in...well bad ways. Surrounded by monsters mostly. Mrs Widman was worried about me cause my art turned so dark. She uh, she was the one who got me the book. She told me...if I ever 'felt too dark, turn my pain into art. Never reality.' So I um, this, this became my outlet. In here I could just let it all out. I felt better after I wrote everything in here. I...I might have started self harming if I didn't have this book."

It was an incredible relief to Dipper to hear all this. The book, a healthy outlet for her pain instead of turning it to herself physically. Thank goodness.

"But...Mabel why? The dark thoughts? Crying? Can't sleep at night? Why is all this happening? What's going on?"

"I um.... it's, uh."

"Just start at the beginning," he softly encouraged. "What happened that can all this to start?"

Mabel held her breath for a moment, tightening her grip on the book.

"Weirdmageddon."

He nodded but didn't speak so she confirmed.

"It..it all started after we got home from Gravity Falls. I started having nightmares about Weirdmageddon."

Dipper nodded again. He had struggled with them for a while too. But shortly after school started his did fade. He felt like an idiot for never considering she could be having them too.

"Gosh Dipper they just...they were so real, I couldn't figure out if I really even was awake after I'd wake up from them. And then...they started happening more frequently. And then every night...I...I can't get Bill Cypher out of my head." Her voice turned to sobs. "I keep hearing him. Seeing him. He's everywhere when I try to sleep. Even in the daytime when I close my eyes I feel like he's around me...I know. We defeated him. He's gone. He can't hurt us anymore....but he is still hurting me Dipper. With my guilt for giving him the rift. With my foolishness for falling for his rainbow prison. With my immaturity and selfishness for not wanting summer to end so I could keep all my friends close... I've started seeing... flashbacks during the day. It's like I just can't escape Weirdmageddon..." Her voice trailed off.

"I should have told you about the rift. Grunkle Ford told me to not to but I absolutely should have anyway."

"It doesn't matter at this point Dipper. Heck I don't trust that I wouldn't have given him the rift even if I did know what it was," she confessed. Her eyes fell to the dark purple sweater she was wearing.  
"And that's why I stopped wearing my bright colors. Stopped listening to my normal pop music. Just my normal everything. I can't get that prison out of my mind. Sometimes I wake up and still feel like I'm there. And sometimes when I'm looking at my stuffed animals, not only was the prison full of them but also I keep thinking I see Bill's eye among theirs. Like he's watching me from them. I just feel so ashamed of falling for Bill's very obvious trap that now, everything I associate it with makes me feel sick."

"His goal was to trap us. And he tried to do it by trying to convince us we were free to do and have whatever we want. Honestly it was pretty brilliant. We all fell for it, and yes that includes me, for a moment," Dipper said.

"What did you see that tricked you for just a moment?"

"Wendy," he confessed. "I saw her saying how that maybe you could make me into a teenager so I could be with her. I almost joined her when I realized it had to be a trick.

Mabel giggled a little at that. "Darn, that is clever. It almost got you. But I'm glad it didn't."

Dipper thought about everything Mabel said.

"Why haven't you told any of us what's going on?"

"Guilt. I feel like I deserve this even though I'm miserable."

"Mabel all these feelings you're having...it sounds a lot like-"

"Post traumatic stress disorder," she finished his sentence. "Don't look so shocked Dipper, I know how to use the internet."

"Sorry I just...um..ah...I'm sorry."

Mabel sighed again. "I know the internet can't diagnose me but... looking at the definition I know it fits. It's likely I have it..."

"And on that note...you do know that it's not just gonna go away after tonight right? One good talk won't cure you."

"I know. I know but I...between how guilty I feel and not...not knowing how I'd even talk about this with anyone other than you... They'd think I'm crazy if I went to a real therapist and told them what's really going on."

Dipper rubbed his forehead, realizing she was right. "I guess I don't have the answer for you. But Mabel, I promise you, somehow we're gonna get you help. Okay? Help that is not self harm or self medicating or...or anything like that. Even if we just have to figure it out by ourselves. I won't let you be alone with this anymore."

"You mean it?"

"I swear it."

Mabel tightly hugged her brother again. He returned her embrace equally.

"Can we go home now Mabel?" Dipper asked.

"Yeah... I'm ready," she said letting go of him. He offered her his hand which she accepted this time and together they stood up and began trying to walk through the still very thick fog. Thankfully there wasn't really any wind out now so Dipper's footprints were still visible enough to follow off of the beach. The fog thinned as they got closer to the city. Street lamps pushed the the mist. As they stepped back onto the road they realized just how late it actually was from how dark the sky was. Clearly night had fallen on them.

"Aw man. Now we gotta walk home in this," he said.

"But it's like you said Dipper, we'll dp it together," she smiled at him. He returned a small grin. "Yeah. Guess it is kinda like trying to wonder life. And we will. We will do it together."

Slowly the twins made the trek back towards their home. As they approached the final corner before their house was in sight, Dipper said "It's late but maybe we still beat mom and dad home."

The two police cars parked out front told them that no, they had not.

"Aw fuck we're dead," Dipper said.

"Sheesh Dipper language. Although...yeah." Mabel agreed. They stood in front of the door, still holding each other's hand tightly. They looked to each other and nodded before opening the door and stepping inside.

"Mom? Dad?" Mabel called. The screech of moving wood and thudding of feet was heard just before a flurry of voices called out "Mabel Pines! Mason Pines! Where on Earth were you-we've been trying to find you-we were so worried-you two are in big trouble-you knew the rules-where did you even go! Answer me right-"

"Mom! Dad! Please!" Mabel shouted. Her parents shocked by the outburst quieted down. Mabel took a step forward in front of Dipper to shield him.

"Please don't punish Dipper for this. It was my fault. I left the house. And Dipper came after me because I got lost in the fog."

"You're 13 now. You should have known better! Mason, if that's what really happened you should have still called us!" Their dad cried.

"I know dad. I'm sorry. I panicked when I realized Mabel was gone and just ran after her without thinking," he said as he also stepped forward and put his hand on her shoulder with a small smile at her. "I should have but I didn't. I know that means I need to be punished too."

"What were you thinking honey? Why did you leave the house?" Their mom asked. Mabel shook her head and then started to cry. It shocked their parents again

"I...I haven't been being very honest with you...about how I'm feeling," she choked out. Their parents shared worried looks.

"Everything alright here folks?" One of the officers asked. Their dad sighed and got back on his feet.

"Both of you, apologize to these officers for wasting their time searching for you two. Then, Mason, go to your room. Mabel, you will stay here. We're going to talk about this." The twins nodded and did as they were told. Their parents finished with the police and the officers left. Mabel and Dipper shared a worried look but then he smiled at her. She understood what he meant and returned him one. They were in this together.

A while later, Dipper didn't track how long although it felt like hours, he heard Mabel's bedroom door close. He got up from his bed and sat against the wall connected to her room and softly knocked on it.

"Mabel? Are you there?"

"Yeah...talk quieter..." She whispered back.

"What happened?"

"I uh, I told them the truth. Or well. No. Not the full truth. Only about half."

"So what exactly did you say?"

"I told them I can't sleep well at night from bad dreams. I told them about my friends leaving me and how I'm being bullied in school. And I told them about how I've started to have really bad thoughts about hurting myself. Mostly everything except Weirdmageddon and me looking up PTSD."

"Honestly Mabel that was probably the best thing to tell them."

"Yeah...I even did tell them I left the house because I was considering hurting myself but you found me before I could. They're not happy of course...they're mostly hurt that I wasn't honest with them about all this sooner. But at least they're glad I finally told them."

"Me too...so what happens now?"

"Well...I agreed to going to a therapist. We're gonna find one that sees our age range after the holidays. And...yeah. We'll start with that.

"Are you gonna tell the therapist about Weirdmageddon?"

"Well definitely not at first at least. I considered maybe I could talk to Grunkle Stan and Ford about that stuff for now at least. I don't want to lie to the therapist but I figured maybe they can help me find a away to explain it without sounding like I need to be institutionalized."

"That sounds like a good idea."

"Yeah. And, well, yeah. We'll see and then go from there...Dipper?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for coming after me today. Thank you for not leaving me alone. You're the best brother in the world."

"Thank you for finally opening up to me. And thank you for always being there for me. You're the best sister in the world." He heard her giggle a little at that followed by a yawn.

"I'm gonna try to sleep now. I really think that tonight, for the first time in a long time, I'm gonna sleep really good tonight."

"Me too," Dipper yawned. "Goodnight Mabel, sweet dreams."

"Sweet dreams to you too. I love you."

"I love you too."

And with that, Dipper stood up off the floor and got settled back in bed. He drifted off to sleep almost right away. And his dreams in fact, were very sweet. He saw himself the way he wanted to be, all grown up, a famous explorerer off for parts unknown. And he saw Mabel, also fully grown but still ever as colorful and bubbly how she likes to be, finally feeling free of her darkness. But the best part about this dream, was that not matter if they were thousands of miles apart or standing side by side, the two of them were taking on the world. Together.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, thank you endlessly for reading through this. I hope this isn't too dark still but please let me know your thoughts, it will help me tremendously for anything I make in the future. I'm also working on a much happier follow up now if anyone is interested. Okay. Thank you all.


End file.
